Monday, September 12, 2011

Making The Best Out Of It (College Essay Draft)

   Growing up, I never understood the sacrifices it takes to having a sibling. All I knew was that I wanted one, at the age of 8 after years of asking my parents for one I realized just how life changing it is. I always told my parents I want a baby brother, because a baby sister will just steal all my clothes and toys. I understood why it took so long for it to happen, after all, I was already in third grade when I asked for one in preschool. I was more than excited, to come to the hospital one day after school to see him. His name is Aedan. At the time, all I could think about was how I was going to use him to do things for me. Watching him grow bigger so quickly in only a few months amazed me. Around the fourth month, after a check up at the doctor. They told us something was wrong with him. They said his strength was very week for his age. They suspected it to be muscular dystrophy, from the signs such as his frail cry to how little he moved his legs and arms. That day, changed my families life. I thought having a brother was going to change my life a lot, but instead I ended up surprised to find out that I was going to have to help deal with the situation my brother and family were going to be put into. That very day, was the first and only time I saw my dad cry. I knew deep down that this problem was not going to be so easy to fix. Adjusting to this situation was the hardest thing.
   Aedan has gone through many test, procedures, and check ups for it. Not much has changed, he is now 6 years old and he can't walk or lift his arms up completely. He has a tendency to be terrified of the hospital during appointments, knowing that majority of the time, they want to give his shots. Mentally, he is perfect. Surprisingly his favorite subject is math. One of the priorities I promised myself I would do as an older sister is to protect him. Whenever he is in school, I always ask him if there are people that stare at him or if there is students that tease him for his disability. It crushes me to hear things like he can't participate in certain things because of what he can't do physically. Although I know he will go far considering how sharp he in mentally. My mother always compares me to him saying how much more common sense or how much better grades he has than me. Caring for Aedan is a difficult chore. As his only sibling I do so much for him. Sometimes, it traumatizes me to think if I ever do have kids of my own, but that's what makes us close. I don't mind making him food to eat, but when it comes to things like bathing him, changing him, or moving him around, there is a problem for me. It's hard work, I think this should be considered a sport for all the time and effort it involves. There are times where people mistakenly think I am his mother because of this things I do to take care f him in public Although, I don't mind since the least I can do to help out my parents is take care of him when they need time to focus on their job or bills.
   There are moments with my family where we just stop to think about everything going on. My family is close to our religion, we believe in the love, power, and grace of God. Whenever we are at the point when we question "why me?", we always consider that God put us in this situation for a reason. There are moments where we break down and cry for all the problems we face, I know that everyone experiences suffering, but I know no one will ever understand the way I've suffered through my child hood. I've given up so much for Aedan, but I don't regret anything. I have sacrificed not only things to save money for the family, but also activities, or going out with friends. There are even times where my parents go under so much stress that I end up having to pull the family together and be strong. There was a point in my life where I felt that no one understood me. Knowing the kinds of things my parents are going through, sometimes I feel at fault whenever they are in a bad mood. It seemed to me that no one cared how I felt about the situation. I ended up discluding my friends from my problems when I should have seeked help and comfort from them. I thought they all had life easier than I did, I thought I was unlucky to be given this amount of stress brought onto me for my age.  In all, I came to realize to positive side of being blessed with Aedan.
  I thank God for blessing my family with Aedan. I would never go back in time to change a chapter in my life. I realized Aedan was brought to our family to bring us closer. "The harder the push, the stronger you are". I believe that because of our situation with Aedan, he has brought our family a greater challenge that overall makes us a stronger family. Because of him I grew the courage to do things I have never imagined. Facing the challenges it takes to raise Aedan everyday has given me the courage to try on other things. I decided to try and get into Moanalua High School instead of settling for Farrington High School, I am much more interested in getting involved such as volunteering that the Kalihi YMCA Teen Leader Program to watch kids during Summer Fun. He has taught me the importance of getting good grades, and also has given me the ambition to plan ahead onto my other goals in life. It interested me on planning to join the medical field and become a nurse, from experiences with helping to raise my brother. Without him I would not have had the courage to try out for the basketball or volleyball team, or for chorus, cheerleading, class VP, treasurer,and even homecoming attendant. He gives me the strength to stay proud of myself, in everything I do. I look at him everyday considering how blessed I am from God that because of Aedan, he has opened my eyes to show the purpose and potential I have to achieve things I never thought I would and branch out far to get to my goals I set out.

3 comments:

  1. Hey Ang! Okay, so you know your first paragraph, second sentence 'All I knew was that I wanted one, at the age of 8 after years of asking my parents for one I realized just how life changing it is.' You see where the comma is? Break that and js make it into two sentences and I don't think it's necessary to have (at the age of 8). & you could revise the sentence a little.. maybe say After years of asking my parents for a younger sister or brother, I never realized how much responsibility it took and the challenges it brought to not only the family but to me. This sentence (1st paragraph) 'I understood why it took so long for it to happen, after all, I was already in third grade when I asked for one in preschool.' isn't really necessary so you can take it out. For this sentence (1st paragraph) ' I was more than excited, to come to the hospital one day after school to see him.' Before it, you should maybe add a transition leading into the day he was born. Maybe you can add a bit more detail as to your mom being pregnant with him and all and how you and your family were anticipating for it. This sentence (1st): Watching him grow bigger so quickly in only a few months amazed me. You could revise that sentence a little and maybe say 'It amazed me so much at how he grew up so fast in a matter of months.' (2nd) Although I know he will go far considering how sharp he in mentally. -> Maybe you could say 'I don't have my doubts that he'll go far in life.' Hmm, try to break your paragraphs a little more (appropriately) so you don't have one big paragraph of words. For your final, make sure you reread the whole thing for grammar cause I spotted a couple, especially in paragraph 2. Other than that, your ideas were really good. I can definitely feel the emotion and your voice in this essay and it's good how you got into it because that brings out how much it means to you and how personal you got with this essay. Even though you told me what happened with Aedan, you didn't tell me the whole story and this essay really touched me. Keep your head up girl! God, your family and your friends are all so very proud of you and we're always here for you!!!! :)

    -Mel

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  2. Hello!
    1st paragraph:" I understood why it took so long for it to happen, after all, I was already in third grade when I asked for one in preschool. " It doesn't really make sense. Change that up a bit like try explain it more? Say what you asked for again. " I was more than excited, to come to the hospital one day after school to see him. His name is Aedan. " You don't really need the comma. It was unneccessary. " That day, changed my families life. " Watch whether it should be plural, or if you should use an apostrophe.
    You should proof-read right after you're done or read it outloud because some of the sentences doesn't really make sense. When you're writting this essay.. Don't make it sound like you're complaining about Aedan. Don't take it the wrong way but just try to make sure you're not. I know you care for him, but make it sound more interesting, like instead of saying how you gave up so much for him, you could say how you're being such a great person helping with him through this.
    Just watch out for your sentence fluency.. proof-read everything. Fix your grammars and you'll be fine.

    ~ Lex

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  3. Hi Angelica,
    Like your teammates, I was really impressed to read your story. And I think it's a good topic for your essay. What you need to do, though, it be way more selective. Pick only the best details to show how your life has changed with Aedan. See me and I will help you with this.
    Melissa and Lex: It is far more helpful to look at the big things that need revising than to tell the writer how to word her sentences. You need to learn to critique using the "big picture" and letting the writer know whether she or he has basically met the requirements/goals of the assignment. And do not suggest wording for the writer. It does not help him/her really learn how to revise.
    mrs s

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